On Empowered Women with Internalized Misogyny
17 November, 2020
Learning that one of your male friends, colleagues, or mentors is actually a sexual predator or a creep is never easy to deal with. But usually, the shock of that revelation ends there. He is a harasser, an abuser, or a creep and that is it. You cut ties with him, deal with the trauma of that knowledge, and then you move on with your life. But this time, it seemed like I had to go through several stages of shock and puzzlement.
I had recently learned that one of the guys in our bigger friend circle is involved in a guys-only group chat where -female- nudes are being leaked and traded. He was one of the active members of said group, and he was creepy to a number of our female friends beforehand as well. I thought it my utmost duty as a woman and a caring friend to warn one of close friends about him since they were about to work on a project together. After telling her of the affair, I mentioned that we should tell the other women who are friends with him as it is their right to know, and to also avoid any unfavorable consequences that might befall them in the future.
To my surprise, she said we should not tell the other women about him, as God himself had covered up for him and we were going to scandalize him if we let it be known that he is a creep. She then told me to “look up my religion” as this is what it dictates. I was baffled. My friend is supposedly a feminist, she is a strong woman, outspoken, and fierce. The fact that she adopted such a cowardly and complicit action as this was out of character and was quite disturbing. Would she have liked me to stay silent and not tell her anything? Doesn’t she think the same compassion I extended to her should be extended to other women as well?
Misogyny is the hatred or prejudice against women. Psychology defines internalization as a process where individuals adopt society’s norms as their own, so in this sense, internalized misogyny is where we as women begin hating, objectifying, or being prejudiced to other women and to ourselves. We then begin perceiving ourselves, our bodies, our struggles, and our aspirations through the lens of the patriarchy. We internalize the sexism and misogyny we are subjected to, and then we put other women through that.
Misogyny is a disease, and it is infecting women -including feminists- as much as it is infecting men. Misogyny is deadly, it causes and perpetuates violence against women with its many forms. It is extremely easy to fall prey to internalized misogyny, because when we are repeatedly told something then we are bound to believe it, especially when no one is challenging these notions.
I had always called myself a feminist from as long as I can remember, but growing up, I had unconsciously internalized a lot of misogyny and sexism. I hated the color pink because it was too “girly”, I befriended boys over girls because they are less “dramatic”, and I never watched chick flicks because I was scared it will make “uncool”. These examples, while petty and small, constitute a part of internalized misogyny, and acknowledging them and getting rid of them takes effort and a great deal of understanding of one’s self.
In its drastic forms, internalized misogyny takes the shape of women who put down other women instead of supporting them in times of need. They are the same women why identify themselves as feminists but still ask “but what was she wearing?” or “did you do anything that he might have misunderstood?”, the ones who tirelessly try to find excuses for the harasser, the ones who continually discredit women’s stories, and the ones who think they should stay silent when one of their friends turns out to be a harasser. Often times, this is their defense mechanism because they are afraid that they will be violated like the “other” women.
One of the biggest myths of internalized misogyny is that if you are a perfect woman then you are safe. If you dress modestly, maintain your boundaries, and turn down any advances, then surely you will be safe. Psychologists believe that internalization is a coping mechanism to release stress, which is why it is easy for any of us to fall in this trap; because it is comforting to believe that if we play by society’s rules then we will not be harmed. But the truth is there are no guarantees to the harm we can endure. We are never fully protected, never truly safe, and it will remain the same if society keeps turning a blind eye and if the men who do wrong remain unpunished.
While I still believe that what friend’s sentiment was wrong, I can understand why she thought it. I can understand her reasoning, and I can understand where she was coming from. But I, for one, will not stay silent about it. I have been in positions before where I was subjected to harassment because my “friends” did not warn me, and I have also been in positions where I was saved because someone did. Breaking this cycle of silence is bound to end the cycle of sexual harassment. We -women- should stick together, have each other’s backs, and protect each other. As long there is no institutional change or a properly functioning legal system to protect us against our wrongdoers, then we are all that we have got.
It is okay to realize that our view of the world has been shaped by misogyny and sexism, and we should allow ourselves to grow and change past that while also forgiving our former selves for being judgmental, cruel, or misguided. We need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of our oppressors, we need to stop enabling our abuse, and we need to have more sympathy for our kind.
I had recently learned that one of the guys in our bigger friend circle is involved in a guys-only group chat where -female- nudes are being leaked and traded. He was one of the active members of said group, and he was creepy to a number of our female friends beforehand as well. I thought it my utmost duty as a woman and a caring friend to warn one of close friends about him since they were about to work on a project together. After telling her of the affair, I mentioned that we should tell the other women who are friends with him as it is their right to know, and to also avoid any unfavorable consequences that might befall them in the future.
To my surprise, she said we should not tell the other women about him, as God himself had covered up for him and we were going to scandalize him if we let it be known that he is a creep. She then told me to “look up my religion” as this is what it dictates. I was baffled. My friend is supposedly a feminist, she is a strong woman, outspoken, and fierce. The fact that she adopted such a cowardly and complicit action as this was out of character and was quite disturbing. Would she have liked me to stay silent and not tell her anything? Doesn’t she think the same compassion I extended to her should be extended to other women as well?
Misogyny is the hatred or prejudice against women. Psychology defines internalization as a process where individuals adopt society’s norms as their own, so in this sense, internalized misogyny is where we as women begin hating, objectifying, or being prejudiced to other women and to ourselves. We then begin perceiving ourselves, our bodies, our struggles, and our aspirations through the lens of the patriarchy. We internalize the sexism and misogyny we are subjected to, and then we put other women through that.
Misogyny is a disease, and it is infecting women -including feminists- as much as it is infecting men. Misogyny is deadly, it causes and perpetuates violence against women with its many forms. It is extremely easy to fall prey to internalized misogyny, because when we are repeatedly told something then we are bound to believe it, especially when no one is challenging these notions.
I had always called myself a feminist from as long as I can remember, but growing up, I had unconsciously internalized a lot of misogyny and sexism. I hated the color pink because it was too “girly”, I befriended boys over girls because they are less “dramatic”, and I never watched chick flicks because I was scared it will make “uncool”. These examples, while petty and small, constitute a part of internalized misogyny, and acknowledging them and getting rid of them takes effort and a great deal of understanding of one’s self.
In its drastic forms, internalized misogyny takes the shape of women who put down other women instead of supporting them in times of need. They are the same women why identify themselves as feminists but still ask “but what was she wearing?” or “did you do anything that he might have misunderstood?”, the ones who tirelessly try to find excuses for the harasser, the ones who continually discredit women’s stories, and the ones who think they should stay silent when one of their friends turns out to be a harasser. Often times, this is their defense mechanism because they are afraid that they will be violated like the “other” women.
One of the biggest myths of internalized misogyny is that if you are a perfect woman then you are safe. If you dress modestly, maintain your boundaries, and turn down any advances, then surely you will be safe. Psychologists believe that internalization is a coping mechanism to release stress, which is why it is easy for any of us to fall in this trap; because it is comforting to believe that if we play by society’s rules then we will not be harmed. But the truth is there are no guarantees to the harm we can endure. We are never fully protected, never truly safe, and it will remain the same if society keeps turning a blind eye and if the men who do wrong remain unpunished.
While I still believe that what friend’s sentiment was wrong, I can understand why she thought it. I can understand her reasoning, and I can understand where she was coming from. But I, for one, will not stay silent about it. I have been in positions before where I was subjected to harassment because my “friends” did not warn me, and I have also been in positions where I was saved because someone did. Breaking this cycle of silence is bound to end the cycle of sexual harassment. We -women- should stick together, have each other’s backs, and protect each other. As long there is no institutional change or a properly functioning legal system to protect us against our wrongdoers, then we are all that we have got.
It is okay to realize that our view of the world has been shaped by misogyny and sexism, and we should allow ourselves to grow and change past that while also forgiving our former selves for being judgmental, cruel, or misguided. We need to stop seeing ourselves through the eyes of our oppressors, we need to stop enabling our abuse, and we need to have more sympathy for our kind.
Mariam Mamdouh
Journalism student
© 2020 Mariam Mamdouh. All Rights Reserved.
maryam.mamdouh@msa.edu.eg
maryam.mamdouh@msa.edu.eg
